How to Un-Arrange a Marriage

You know when your family finds that other family with the son / daughter who has the weird face or the “tyna” personality?
 But she’s a money maker or
         He’s a good little boy who minds his business,
                                          That whole family is peerdei maangeen!
   Whatever!

Despite all of the totally awesome redeeming qualities being stuff down your throat –  your just not that into them..Bummer… for you of course because the votes are all in and you’re out.  At least that’s how it seems but there’s hope! Lucky for you,I have been a guiding light in un-arranging marriages for myself and…myself  for over 10 years and now I can do the same for you!



First of all if you’re a guy just skip to type 2 , If your a girl lets talk about the don’ts aka

What NOT to do with anyone under any circumstances:

– Tell one of his girl cousins you have a boyfriend.
The only person she’s likely to tell is the boy and it’s unlikely that he will care. It’s not like you’re gonna have a cell phone or anything once you’re married anyway. However in some cases if word gets to his parents, it gets to your parents and then your looking at fun scenarios possibly including beatings, having the phones pulled out of the house and I don’t think you need me to tell you about the rest of it. Other than this you’ve also labeled yourself as a whore, you may have succeeded in turning this family away but you have also succeeded in turning ALL families away.

 – Running away with the boyfriend
If your family’s already at the point where they’re considering people and Mr. Chipmonk hairdo isn’t on the list, there’s probably a good reason and whatever it was that’s kept the two of you from running away before isn’t going to magically disappear because there’s new people in the picture. I don’t know how many times I can stress marriage isn’t the answer but…MARRIAGE ISN’T THE ANSWER. With anything. Ever.
Now there will be 2 types of people you will be dealing with:

Type  1: The Old School Family

Stuff that didn’t work:
-Telling them you don’t know how to do something
Weither it’s dabadimos or making pededoogo, not knowing has never been determining factor in boodi choosing to any family as they are going to teach you their way anyways…

Let’s cut to the chase here:

The quickest most effective way to de-interest an old school family is to
1)Find the mother(not the grandmother or father or grandfather)
2)Make sure your plainly within her eyesight
3)Look her straight in the eye
(and finally) –  light up a cigarette.

-Why this works-

They know you know better, they know you don’t care and in their eyes you have now transformed into a wild uncontrollable force of nature. You have become the angry rabid wolf their son brought home one day and asked if they could keep. Also when your family comes to kill you, you can say you didn’t see her there.
Unfortunately this is not always as successful as I would like it to be and we are forced to be a bit more creative.

Type 2: New Age Families

Example: Dad never seems to see his kids as people, rather pawns, using their marriages in his claim to power not unlike a bad Game of Thrones fanfic. Enter: Apple!  Apple comes from a very long line of wife beating drug-attics who SURPRISE have lots of money! So guess who’s dads decision would not be moved with crying,screaming, throwing stuff in his head and threatening to call the cops…?
When situations like this arise there really is only one thing you can do – call him/her (Apple is a man today though).
Your convo should go something like this:
Apple: so why didn’t it work out with your ex?
You: oh he couldn’t support my dream
Apple: Aye what kinda dreams haha
You: Look Apple I’m a very simple person, I keep to myself,I mind my little business, in the morning I drink my little coffee, I smoke my little cigarette, I take my little pokeball and I wait in the bushes ok?
Apple: Your what?
You: My Pokeball…I’m training to be a pokemon master
Apple: lol hahahaha
You: Are you laughing? ARE YOU F***ING LAUGHING are you gonna be a jinx too? …Nevermind- It’s Ok my little moogle I forgive you
Apple: Your what?
Me: Moogle.
Apple: Dafaq is that?
You: Well…Have you ever played Final Fantasy?
Apple: …..I gotta go….*Click*!
Problem solved!! (Is ok to hum fanfare)

– Why this works-
Girls/ Shamuto andei sutta: Most men play video games. In the gushei world a girl who likes video games is awesome because it’s a great way to bond and stuff. A shago doesn’t care about that. If your playing video games and watching TV with him, who's cleaning the house and serving his family? Who’s putting money together to buy him his corvette?  Interest in “little kid things” means you have a “little kid mind”  -there can be only one of those and he’s done called dibs (also he thinks you are bad-s*** crazy – he’s claimed that spot too)

Guys: Just make her think you’re bat s*** crazy..

Everybody: Also you could always go the omg-I-love-my-mother-so-much-I-need-to-talk-to-her- like-ALL-THE-FING-TIME route. Possibly mention how they’ll love her too because she can teach them the best intimacy stuff (te yeeteese)

And ultimately if you’re a gambling man you can just let him/her know you don’t think it would work out for whatever reason (NO BOYFRIENDS) and sometimes they do end up pulling through for you.
Hope it helps!
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